The 5 Things to Avoid telling a New Mom

Being a new mom is HARD. There’s no denying it! Before becoming a mom myself, I never thought of all the complicated details that go into caring for a new tiny human 24/7. Not only is it exhausting and emotional, but it is also something that a first time mom has NEVER done before!
I had expected certain things after being “warned” of the lack of sleep, crying, etc., but there are some things that simply cannot prepare you for reality.

That reality is that you now love this new person in your life more than you thought possible and you would do anything for that baby! But on the flip side, you are still trying to figure out how to do everything for that baby as well! You may even be struggling with some postpartum depression. Either way, this new role can be a tough one to navigate and honestly, I think it is sometimes made harder by other moms, social media, and the internet.

Recently, I have had some friends welcome their own babies into the world and it has brought me back to the memories of vulnerability and uncertainty! So after a trip down memory lane to last year (yes, Tobias just turned one!), I jotted down some thoughts on what to refrain from telling new moms and what to do instead!

1. “You have it easy”– Whether this is in reference to pregnancy, delivery, or after the baby is welcomed home, this is something that while possibly meant to encourage (and point out how it could be worse), can in fact make a new mom feel as though the struggles she is facing are unimportant and small compared to those her friends have experienced. So what if her pregnancy was a dream, her delivery was fast and smooth, and her newborn is sleeping for hours upon hours! Everyone faces their own struggles whether we see them or not. It may be small things that add up to create bigger concerns and challenges which makes life far from easy. Or there may be another area in her life that is anything but a walk in the park.
2. “Get used to….“- Yes, yes, we’ve all heard it! Get used to never sleeping again, get used to running late, get used to more laundry than you thought possible! The list goes on. With any big change in life, there is time needed to adjust and “get used to” things. Why does everyone feel the need to tell new moms to get used to this new way of life that they are entering into? Trust me, they are well aware that change is happening!
3. Advice– Believe it or not, there is a lot (and I mean a lot) of advice thrown at new moms. Advice can be a much appreciated, beautiful gift. But it can also feel like a low jab or come across as judgmental. Be aware of if a new mom is needing a listening ear, or if she is actually looking for help. Also, be careful with how you give it. If you have some helpful words of wisdom, or tips or tricks, be gentle and understanding while giving it! I have one friend who has mastered this and seeing her lovingly give advice is like watching a skilled craftsman! She thoughtful LISTENS, and only after the speaker is completely done talking does she then agree with or acknowledge what the new mom is going through. She may even reminisce out loud about how hard things were for her when she had a newborn. Then, she may casually mention what things she tried and what worked for her while never showing any expectations of her friend to try the same. Talk about gentle, approachable, and helpful! This approach helps a new mom feel heard, feel supported, hear a possible solution, and then give HER the freedom to ask further about the tip. It is something that is hard, especially when those of us who have been there feel like we have so much to share, but I think its also just as important to realize that new moms can be bombarded with advice and that may not be what is needed at that moment. A listening and supportive ear can go even further in the long run.
4. Nothing negative– That leads me into something that I accidentally wrote down twice on my short list! So I cannot overlook the fact that new moms really don’t need to hear anything negative! Don’t we all tend to be our own worst critic? So don’t fill that role for your friend! Support, positivity, enthusiasm, and love are all that a new mamma’s ears should be hearing from her friends!
5. Comparison– Ah this is a big one. As new moms, how many of our concerns stem from expectations we acquire from seeing other babies? I know from first hand experience that it is easy to see what another baby is doing and immediately be concerned if mine is not advanced in the same area. It may start with something as innocent as sleep patterns but if I am not careful, I could continue to compare my child with their peers and miss out on their own unique strengths, abilities, personality, and passions. Whether you are a new mom yourself or you are a friend speaking to one, please remember that you cannot expect babies to act the same. They are their own person and that shows through from the moment they are conceived!

(“Comparing notes” with other moms on their experiences and what has worked for them is a totally different kind of comparison and can be helpful when it is remembered that there is no “one size fits all”.)

This is my personal opinion from personal experience and I know that while some can relate, others may actually find all these things helpful no matter the circumstance! Again, there is no one size fits all and we are all different!

With that being said, there are lots of ways to show love and support to new moms and words are just one of them! I encourage you to be careful, intentional, and aware of the words you use when showing support to your mamma friends!

Jen