Today Was Hard
Today was hard.
Being a mother has always been my dream, but that doesn’t take away from the days that feel like I’m moving three steps back for every step I move forward. Of course there’s the laundry, dishes and toys that seem to appear faster than I can keep up with, but it’s more the spirit of my strong willed toddler that wears on me. I love his energy, his enthusiasm, his spunk. And I want him to be an independent, confident and critical thinking individual
…but today was hard.
Before the day started, I decided we’d start on a new memory verse:
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” -James 1:19
My toddler’s emotions have been everywhere and we are working on how to properly respond to disappointment, anger and frustration. This verse seemed fitting for what we’ve been dealing with.
It also seemed as if the enemy knew that was our new verse, because gosh…Today was hard.
Today he yelled “no!” like he does every day. He cried and complained. There were moments when he melted to the floor in a puddle of angry tears. There were moments he let his energy and excitement get the best of him and he would bounce on me, the couch, me, the bed, me, then too close to his vulnerable baby brother…it was exhausting. More than usual. He’s not always so difficult and not always so moody. But our new Bible verse was fresh in my mind and it seemed I was being put to the test today. “Be slow to speak! Slow to become angry!” I reminded myself.
It was drizzling and chilly, but I didn’t care and bundled up the boys for a walk. We needed to get out of the house and I needed him to wear off all his toddler energy that had been directed at me all morning. However, my plan backfired. My toddler didn’t want to walk no matter how much energy he had. Instead, he ambled along, stopping to look at everything and then getting mad when I would ask him to hurry up. This resulted in a very short walk with a very long amount of time passing and barely any energy being spent…and one very exasperated, frustrated mother.
It wasn’t until near the end of the day that I lost it. I had finally decided to take him outside again to run off more energy and although he was excited to go, he was playing keep away with items, hiding behind furniture, avoiding eye contact…NOT listening.
I began talking as I changed his diaper and helped him into his jacket. I explained how his actions had been making the day hard. How when he yelled at me, hit me, purposely disobeyed me, it made me sad. For the first time today he listened intently.
And then my tears came. At first my eyes just blurred and my voice quivered. Concerned, he asked, “Sad?” I nodded and pulled him close, sobbing into his shoulder. After a sweet moment of being embraced by tiny arms, he pulled away and looked at me with a questioning look, “Happy?!” He asked looking relieved. (He thought my sobs were laughs) “No, I’m still sad. Today has been hard.” Pause. “Happy…?” He asked again quietly, almost hopeful. Realization of my state spread across his little face. “No, Buddy. I’ll be okay, but Mommy’s still sad. It’s been a very hard day.”
His face grew very somber and his own eyes began to water.
And then it happened.
He apologized without prompting and wiped away my tears with his little thumb like I usually wipe away his. And in that moment I realized that maybe he has been watching and listening after all.
Today was hard…but it was also special.
